Beating the bounds is an ancient custom still observed in some English and Welsh parishes. Under the name of the Gangdays the custom of going a-ganging was kept before the Norman Conquest. A group of old and young members of the community would walk the boundaries of the parish, usually led by the parish priest and church officials, to share the knowledge of where they lay, and to pray for protection and blessings for the lands (Wikipedia).
Younger generations learned from older ones where the boundaries lay. This custom reminds me of our own personal boundaries, the idea that there is a point where we end and other people begin. Mostly, we become aware of it when others “invade” our personal space, which is mostly culture-dependent.
Learning about our boundaries is a tough task, if you were not taught as you were growing up what your rights were, what you should accept and what you should reject and if you were abused or neglected, I suspect your boundaries are not very clear to you and the people around you.
Our first boundary is our skin and I believe that our second boundary is our dignity. There are many ways of stating where our boundaries are, the simplest, and for many very difficult, is saying “no”. When we don’t know how to say “no” our “yes’s” become impoverished and in effect we let other people decide for us what is acceptable to us. I believe that in order to have meaningful relationships we need to be clear about what we accept and what we reject; an honest negotiation is the most profound way of achieving that.
In an ideal world, our elders would help us beat our bounds, in reality, this is mostly left to us to do. If this sounds familiar, your first task then is to learn to negotiate your “no’s and yes’s”. This may not be easy, and unless it poses a real risk, it can be a liberating and enriching experience that would make your relationships meaningful and satisfying as opposed to a muddle of needs and and identities.
Inspired by work with patients and clients and conversations with fellow professionals.
